In between heaven and earth:


Shalom! namaste and shanti to you All! In Gratitude with conjoined hands.

I have longed for this moment to have the opportunity to put here what is on my mind, in my heart, on my spirit.

I haven’t really had the chance to speak about it to reflect on it and to contemplate on the fruit that has come out from having to suffer the consequences of my actions, and my mistakes.

I grew up, in the middle of my storm I found peace like I’ve never experienced before, it didn’t come from me for I am an expert in sabotaging my own process. I will never forget that one morning when I woke up from that park bench right across the street from the cemetery I felt as if I was operated on the inside. That day I made a decision to stay out of my own way to let the good happen to let the healing continue to do its work in me and in those that I have hurt during my time of insanity.

A certain reassurance came over me I had nothing and when I say nothing I had nothing but the clothes on my back and even those were not mine, they came from a clothing drive, I had a pair of sandals, my i.d. in my pocket not knowing what was going to happen next, I was in the same place I started about a year and a half ago prior to that time, the same place same bench the same park, but I can’t ignore and I cannot lie about what happened there as if a power from above came within and pushed myself up with my own hands but not with my own strength, one side did that and then once I allowed that Grace that empowerment to come into my life everything started connecting reconciliation started working fast for Love sets of fast-pace.

No longer is the spirituality that I practice one that is too far from me, it is close in every moment and every second it’s simplicity is so heartwarming and mind-blowing and spirit intoxicating that sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.

Before I used to be one that would always read books of Christian mysticism and contemplation meditation and mantras sadjana, it’s a spirituality of now of here of saying thank you of being grateful and asking for forgiveness and receiving others where they are and embracing myself I am always asking myself in this moment am I loving myself past the pain ? Am I loving myself past the ego ? and am I loving myself as God loves me? I know that my love will never compare not even come close to understand , I don’t indulge in myself for too long if I have to complain I complain if I have to be there for someone even though it’s irritating or tedious to be there I do my best to push through gratefully because I never will forget where I have been where I am now and having faith and trust in what’s to come.

There is more to be said but I just wanted to put this out there something is different and I don’t want to lose that embrace of trusting in my higher power, you see he took care of me I slept safely, and always woke up to a new day I will raise my head from that park bench from a cold night and I would say to myself today, will not be like yesterday, today I will let go and let God and I will take responsibility of what I need to do of what’s in front of me and towards where I would love to go.

Don’t let the day pass don’t miss out on the promises of today In healing and making amends and receiving love and respect, and even disrespect, just embrace the day and everything that you do let it be with a big thank you coming from the heart within the heart.

…the mirror of our soul.

If you intuitively looked into my eyes what would you see? Are their clear, sorrowful, shining or deep,?  do they look through or at you? Can you feel the warmth and compassion through my years of hardship and pain? Can you see the humility they carry, the gratitude that I feel in my hearts heart.

Losing it all, so I can gain it all.

“God loves the wounded in spirit just as much as he loves those who seem to be whole,”( J.C. Arnold , book Escape Routes.)

For a Long time I have battled with abandonment issues, with learning how to be Loved by others, so I’ve been trying to fill a void in my life for even a longer time, a place with in me that can only be filled by the Love of God, for it is this longing for God that pushes many to a life saving victory over the pain of a world of Mammon.

I know I must surrender to God’s purpose in my life. Not because I am forced but because that is where my true identity is, it is who i am, in heart and spirit.

I’ve been hurt and I have caused hurt upon others because of that hurt, a regret I must live with for the rest of my life here. But I cannot let the pain over weight my purpose or win the daily mental debate of the accusations of both self and accuser of our souls. Who through our own struggle tries to convince me that I am my issue and struggle, in other words what good am I a wounded being, that I should embrace the Empires Secular Religion or remain an outcast of this corporate world of a Government.

I don’t mean to loss you as I write, I write best when it’s from the heart, so excuse me however if you are still reading,thank you for still being here with me.

Another quote from the Book I am presently reading states the following: “A disease of the spirit won’t simply go away And stay away. But we can choose to turn the battle against it into a positive one – even into a source of strength.”

It’s exactly what I’m doing now. I recently lost everything again, and for those who can relate know how this feels, some was of my undoing and some from un-dealt with stuff of the past like the quote said “disease of the spirit” that through pain and feeling less than has implanted a lie in my thought pattern, that if I wasn’t good enough for my parents then how can I be good enough for God. I know today that I am good enough, God knows my heart and my deepest desire.

I know I belong, I know that I have not been brought this far for nothing, i believe, I trust, in my surrendering to God daily, in accepting the hardships, both internal and external. God will reconcile me unto Himself, as I Carry my Cross daily, I really believe that all that has been broken will be mended. That I will find Peace within.

I don’t know where this pilgrimage will lead but I will walk through my personal Yellow brick road, go beyond Oz into Home.

It’s not a need, it’s a necessity!

We all want to be Loved, want to be wanted and needed, it’s engrained deep in our DNA, to be a part of a whole, to be surrounded be by those we love and those who Love us unconditionally.

It seems that everything we do evolves around that emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual fact. Regardless of our social status, or financial Situation, we all rely on belonging.

We live in this world , in this reality isolated in the middle of a congested city. Societies with in society, a compartmentalize Empire pushing the “weak” to it’s fringes.

There is no feeling like feeling love, especially when we think we don’t deserve it.

For a long time I thought and felt that I didn’t. That mercy wasn’t for me , that the Grace of G-D wouldn’t look my way not even from the corner of His Eyes.

I have experienced love in all it’s expressions, it’s limitations, unconditional, situational, masked and un-masked, with a price tag on it causing me pain and the indignity of false love .

“BUT”…

…I’ve experienced love through forgiveness, love from loss, a way in to healing from hardship.

I’ve been reading more then usual, which is of great help to me in my healing and acceptance. The chapter I am in is on loneliness. It goes into a simple intellectual layout of society’s “fake versions of togetherness”, “the affected of lack of Love I quote

” …and doesn’t this lack of love contribute to alienation on a broader social level? Entire sectors of society have been made to despise themselves: the jobless and the uneducated, immigrants and people with disabilities, survivors of child abuse and the chronically Ill.”(Escape Routes for people who feel trapped in life’s hells, by Johann Christoph Arnold)

(I’ve decided to make notes while i read through this book and as I experience it.)

Loneliness is a symptom of a lack of love. Let’s not confuse it with solitude, the latter is a gift and an ability acquired through prayer, meditation and contemplation. A conscious contact with the G-D of our understanding.

A person that is isolated, treated indifferent, has no sense of a community Family surrounding them, who has experienced loss and no support, with no form of love, will fall into loneliness.

Loneliness is real and can destroy a life from the inside out. I personally have had to deal with the alienation due to the prejudices, of my family, conditional relationships and false friends.

My focus these days is to surround myself with life giving meaningful people and keep those relationships, especially a community of faith, who live from the inside out, who’s transparency match their walk. To be honest and more direct, the people G-D puts on my path, those who he wants me to meet and remain with.